Saturday, May 22, 2004

May 21 (Friday): Last day of my tax course, last day of Phoebe. I wake up this morning feeling better than ever, life never feels/looks this good. Outside the weather is very iffy but I don't care. I try better clothes on with view to looking good/better in an attempt to impress. I also switch to CK One (the big guns) after a week of the new Urban range (from Adidas). I try on my zig zaggy shirt and just feel really silly in it. I decide to put on my Millwall away shirt and give my Alfie Moon shirt from new years ago. I am very self conscious about this shirt, it looks fine and actually is really nice but its XL and actually too large and therefore makes me look fatter than I need to. Now I know I am sounding like a bird but I really really want to look good/better and impress this girl! Oh well, whatever, Tony Soprano is fat and pulls off sexy. And tomorrow is Cup Final and Millwall is there and its hitting home and is time to get excited. I fly to the train station buzzing. By the time I am on the train Moyles is on and is making me laugh immediately and then he opens with the new No Doubt track which I love when I really really shouldn't. Today he is on form beyond form, I laugh out loud like a nutter on the train and he plays all the best songs that are sniffing around the charts/playlist right now including Streets and NERD. My mood and moral is the highest it has been in months, momemtum rules. After a train hic-cup at Marble Arch, I'm in like flynn and soon tripping up over my own words talking to the Phoebe but so what. Around 10am Sarah texts "how's life?". Whoops, I am supposed to take her to Van Helsing saturday night but I just wanna the football. Luck falls in my favour, she's working (what a terrible thing to say).

Unfortunately my inital gusto soon peters out. The course/actual learning soon goes to shit. Lunch is so so. I walk out with Phoebe and she skips as she walks down the stairs and it does strange things to me. I try to fish for more info: "have you got a place?". She doesn't actually answer but she tells me about her new car. Unfortunately we don't talk much at lunch and this kind of runs parallel to my crashing in the afternoon. For the first time in months I experience FAD, Friday afternoon depression, pretty much a sadness brought on about my week ending and an empty weekend starting. Also I am spending way too much money this week, today alone I have bought three magazines. Does anyone else get/understand the friday afternoon depression? Maybe its the change/end in routine brought on by the weekend or just the premise that I will not be around people for a couple of days. Oh wells. The course continues to turn to shit while outside the weather blows hot and cold, sunny and dull. I really should be visiting Chris in Greenwich/Cutty Sark this week and today is the day really, if..... I have the mean blues though which makes me feel tired and unable to lift myself. Additionally I lose the will to live and go to Oxford Street instead of aiming straight for the train home and the comfort of the JGRAM flat. The lesson/course ends which means so does Phoebe really for me (unless next week sees me suddenly able to pull new tricks). I leave without a number/address/email, giving or receiving. I feel I have failed, I feel bleak about things all of a sudden. I want home, I want to bed, I want to sleep and then awaken to all things new. Works for me. I text Sarah a bit over the course of the day (that feels like the novelty is now fizzling out) and I also text Azmei, who seems fucking down (no surprise there then). Tom has hooked up on MSN and he messages me after I spend about 90 minutes messaging Dad. I was going to have an early night.....


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