Thursday, June 03, 2004

June 3 (thursday): Ouch. I'm officially worried, my fortunes appear to have taken a down turn. I can't really take much from today. I woke up at 4am screaming. No, that's a lie, I just woke up at 4am. Azmei gave me a lift to work and I placate her in conversation all the way. Poor old Lindsey got neglected in the process and basically walked away from us in the same manner in which I once got condemned for. Unfortunately right now I would rather talk to her than Azmei, I feel I'd get more sense. I actually had a good day at work, I feel back on form and useful again, fortunately I went a day without talking to certain bosses. I played games today and didn't bother to text Phoebe and right back at me, she didn't bother to text me. Read into that what you will. Lunch was spent wandering around like a loser, my god I have become so reliant on having someone to walk around with. To cheer myself up I purchase this months Loaded.

Tonights session was dubious at best, I'm once more no longer telling the truth (or at least all the facts) and Iris is (unintentionally) talking down to me I feel. I accept all blame, except I'm the only one pointing fingers. I reeled back quotes to her from Drew and I embarassed myself to hear the words trickle from my mouth. She asks me "why do you bother talking to anyone at your workplace, they all sound so obnoxious". I am really so confused, what on earth am I doing wrong in life when I am actually so good/right/decent?

I didn't tell her I was going for a drink with Sarah tonight, I thought it might give her the wrong idea. And talk about wrong ideas. The drink made me so angry. We wound up in the Hospital Arms, full of old people but at least quiet. Partway through the drink some other fucking Asian mug phones her from some internet singles/matrimonial website sounding soppy and arrogant all at once. I'm left hanging like a Muppett as she goes outside to hear some bullshit. I point out the internet is for geeks and paedophiles and then she launches into another tale of some other dot head and how he is trying it on and she is asking ME what is he playing at. I stop short of saying "he's trying to fuck you, like all men who take women out". No, instead I just stay polite and fume (embarassingly I feel myself going red). Women can be so fucking ignorant and insulting. Won't put up with that again. It's a horrible sight to see a woman remove her personality and replace it with a cunt.

np Nick Cave - People Ain't No Good


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