August 2 (Monday): What we did on our summer vacation. Today is a slow burner. I wake up from a dream about someone telling me about my penis and how dirty it is because it is not circumcised. Is this some kind of Jewish conspiracy (I’m joking!!!!). I MSN Sara for a bit but I’m really not interested, I have to package up the last of the swag Gringo Records CDs to send off. Friends is a real good episode today, everyone is flashing back to their 30th birthdays and having breakdowns. Two years and twenty days to mine folks (August 22 2006).

I walk into work at a leisurely pace when really I would be best off getting in early and getting a head start on finishing off the Acme Steel audit as best my involvement will allow. Fuck that, though I leave Bohemian Grove at 8.40 and barely make it into the office for 9.00. When Sandip gets into work he sits at his desk and discovers an empty pizza box under his desk. I wonder how on earth that got there. I spend most of the morning working on the cool side of the office, getting to gripes with the mess of the job that is on Viztopia. And I’m really making a meal of the fixed assets section for some reason. Useless Jason.

Mid morning Dr Who says to me “when you’re done can you come and have a word with me about Acme Maintenance�. I say “sure!�, enthusiastically, slapping on a fake fucking smile realising that this will only be flack for me. With the morning almost over and my work on Acme Steel certainly not over, Who calls over at Chernobyl and asks me to go over. He calls me into his office and asks me to close the door behind me, this is never ever a good sign whenever it is requested that you shut the door behind you. I brace myself for a shellacking, wondering to what extent I will be needing to stick up for myself and fight my corner, here comes a pop at Jason at work for the fourth day running. His first words are “I’ve been looking at Acme Maintenance and it really isn’t up to scratch�. I really knew this was coming though and should have expected it sooner. Acme Maintenance was my opportunity to shine but after giving it a hell of a lot of attention, a soul destroying comment by Who saw me putting the job down never to return/waste time on it again, so in effect what he has picked up is a started job/task that has never been finished. The stuff he pulls out and picks holes in are legitimate beefs but from my perspective, from the limitations I had in my involvement on the job (ie I was working against him rather than with him it seemed/felt), the errors were always going to be present. After the initial pop and jab to the heart (ho ho) I take it all on the chin and decide not to argue the toss and try to explain how I felt limited for time on the job. This is all pretty boring but a real lecture comes my way. He tells me that initially he had hit the ceiling over the job but his colleagues (fellow partners) had told him to calm down and not overreact. Briefly the attitude word is mentioned but only the once. Who tells me that I am liked in the firm by the partners and that they think I am smart which certainly isn’t how I am made to feel by their feedback, this admission almost gives me heart and makes me feel better about things perversely. He asks me whether I am bored by accountancy and asks me just what I expect from the firm. The latter is a really hard question especially when I am being asked it by somebody so indifferent it seems to my cause, pretty much with a similar attitude to the other bosses it seems. I basically curl up and die in the meeting but it pretty much seems/feels par for the course these days at this firm and just another notch in my slump. It doesn’t really get me down or worried, when really it should, instead it just adds weight to an already dis-spirited mindset, if I didn’t laugh I would cry. Maybe I am too laid back, I certainly do feel embarrassingly blasé about my apparent ticking off and dressing down, ultimately it is Who that is avoiding eye contact and doing all the talking. He ends things telling me he is “leaving it with me and that the ball is my court�. I don’t really know specifically what this entails but I genuinely desire a turnaround so that this shit does not keep happening. I leave the office apologetically and say “thank you for the talk�, at the end of the day all things are better aired instead of left to fester. I don’t know what to do.

Lunch arrives. Lousie makes comment that I was in with Who for ages but it didn’t seem it (honestly). I trolley into town with her and Stevo tags along. Today was supposed to be the second day of the great Atkins restart but that gimp wants to know what we are doing (ie drag us out somewhere to eat). We decide on a Pizza Hut buffet because we are greedy capitalist pigs with good taste in junk food. First though I do the post office thing. A man, like an idiot, has dragged his dog in there and it is taking up my space in the queue. I go to pat it and the fucker growls at me. I check my email on my phone and I have received one from Phoebe. She rules and she has green lighted meeting up on August 21st. My day has infinitely improved but also I am equally blasé to that as I am my job at work. Oh the apathetic (not so) youth that is me. After about twenty minutes wait we finally head to Pizza Hut. It is rammed with school kid bastards so we opt for elsewhere. I don’t really want to eat out but the other two strangely do and we head to Sam’s Diner where Sam thinks Stevo is called “Richard�. The food is ok but it is more expense and bad health on a stick for me. Sam finally asks Steve if his name actually is “Richard�, the dude has finally clocked him. Stevo reacts a little strangely, actually responding “yes my name is Richard but some people call me Steve and others Alan Titschmarsh�. I hide my face in embarrassment for him, which he apparently does not suffer from.

The afternoon is tough, Chernobyl almost bakes us alive. I potter around on the audit job when really I want on something new, something that will give me a chance to shine and change my employers’ minds about me. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I keep teasing Louise about my apparent date with Phoebe on the 21st (“sorry love, can’t take you out on the 21st now�). I love winding up girls about other girls and then snapping “jealous?�.

After work Stevo doesn’t want to go home. He offered earlier to drive us to Carshalton tonight to see them play a Millwall XI tonight. Eventually reality and common sense kicks in his mind so instead he suggests we go for a pint at the Dragoon. I really don’t like that pub anymore since that Carlos guy had a pop at me, so I suggest we go to the Hogshead. It is a fantastic evening to be having a drink outside but I am just too frazzled and jaded to enjoy it or bother with conversation with Stevo.

As soon as Stevo drops me off, Malcolm In The Middle is on tv, the show is the best! After that I find myself still in my suit so I go out to Asda and Tesco and do the rounds, checking my bank balance and trying to catch the eye of ladies (ho ho). I look to buy the new Blazing Saddles DVD but nowhere has it so I go home empty handed but at least it got me out of the house this evening, which always is a good thing.

I get in to discover dad has been trying to get in touch with on MSN and I feel bad that I missed him (mum tells me he really enjoys getting in touch with me on the computer every evening, it’s like something out of Microserfs). To compensate, I am attacked by the biggest beetle in history crawling my bed, karma I guess. I don’t kill it, just chuck it out my window, which must kill it anyway at the end of the day.

np: Fugazi - Exit Only