August 13 (Friday the 13th): Field Of Jason. Another day, another headache. No strange dreams though, so that's a bonus. Strange thing this morning: Scrubs plays On Fire by Sebadoh on its soundtrack. I don't know why but this morning I wake up with the hump. What's going on? What's going wrong? I am really so unable to find good in anything?

Today at work is a real drag, my office environment annoys me, my work annoys me and my fellow workers annoy me.

Par for the course, when Azmei turns up to go to lunch with the others, needless to say she does not bother to come over and say "hello" or anything. Once an ignorant cunt, always an ignorant cunt I guess. I don't bother to go over and say "hello" either, I'm immature like that, I exercise tit for tat. Eventually Louise calls our office (Chernobyl), calling me over the road. As soon as I get over the road, the first thing Azmei says is "I'm really sorry but I can't make it for lunch tomorrow." Ever notice when people add the word "really" to an apology, it makes it sound less than sincere. If I'm honest, I have to say this upsets me, I had really been looking forward to the lunch and being that she was the one suggesting it and pushing it, it looked like she was more keen than myself. I tell her "I'm used to you letting me down by now" and as conversation veers off to her prattling on to Louise or Brian about something I go back over the road. Five minutes later she comes over the road to say "hello" to the others in Chernobyl, with the pair of us saying nothing to eachother. As she leaves for lunch with the Happy Pants gang she says to me "we'll do lunch when I get back from holiday" and I calmly and enthusiastically snap back "don't bother" to which she responds "grow up." F U.

From her the day takes an official crash. Who knows why and who knows how but Azmei's rejection really really upsets me and my already grumpy mood becomes full blown fucked off. All afternoon I probably barely say a dozen words. I do have words with Azmei when she pops into the office on the way back to her car but by now, for me, the damage has already done and there is really no going back from the facts. Afterwards I speak to Louise for a bit about it all and I tell her "I'm not in the mood for going out tonight, I'll get pissed and abusive." She goes "well don't go then" but I know that if I drop out, Drew drops out and the evening doesn't happen and as a result it will all be down to me. Welcome to responsibility Graham. Tonight might be a complete disaster; I'm on a rocky road again.

In the afternoon I phone up Mark at his house but only get to speak to his brother, the intention of calling Mark being for him to call me later on this evening and to get me out of the social event of the season.

For the evening's kick off, a meet up time gets set for 6.30, with me meeting Drew at Smiths. Jack says he'll be back in town around 7.00 and then the "scrounging skank" (the girls) will be joining us around 8.00 after plastering coats of make up on their faces to make them look pullable even though half of them are in relationships. Oh yes, here comes prick tease nation. Stevo isn't coming out tonight, I genuinely believe tonight he prefers to stay in and watch the opening ceremony of the Greece Olympics.

The evening starts out grim and I walk into town knowing I am going to get pissed tonight so I had better not take the car because if I had the car, regardless of my state and sobriety, I would only drive it home. Originally I was not going to drink tonight, I was going to be the new me, the new me that begins pints but puts them down before they are finished and does not drink himself into the ground. Tonight however, if it's going to be just me and Drew for an elongated space of time, I really require a little something to get me through.

I start out walking to town just past 6.00, knowing that Drew is likely to turn up late for the 6.30 rendezvous. As I walk into town, the clouds get darker than ever and it's inevitable that before I reach my destination, I am going to get rained on. Halfway on my walk, as expected Drew begins telephoning me to make sure that I am on my way.

When I arrive, it is about 6.35 and he is already there. I have a real phobia and thing about being in a pub on my own, looking like I am alone and that I don't have any friends. Unlike the world of endless barflies taking their posts in any public house you wish, I cannot possibly be seen to be deserted. We start out drinking and tear into a couple of bottles of Budweiser. Phoebe texts me and I deal with that (yeah, like that is a real chore). First beer out of the way, I basically go "fuck it" and tear into Stellas with view to becoming Stella Monster on a Stella Riot. Not longer after we get going, Randy Pan phones me and says he might join us out. Oh joy. In the meantime, I'm talking shit with Drew and its fine, he gives good head and at least keeps things semi interesting.

Eventually support arrives when Jack turns up, rescuing me from Drew. Along with him is Kev (his son) and some guy in a Sloth (from Goonies) shirt. The shirt is the coolest but unfortunately I am already too drunk to mention this without sounding like a sap. Gradually people more and more people turn up as I get drunker and drunker. Firstly Randy Pan does turn up, then Ivan and then Janine and her vacant looking friend. When Randy Pan phoned the second time asking where we were, I told him we were at Smiths and I ask him to bring some chips as I haven't had a dinner. Needless to say he arrives without chips and I ask him where they are and he starts going off on one to me being fat this and fat that so I grab his big honk yid nose and playfully go "beep!" He responds "you do that again and I'll fucking kill you." What a great example my "boss" is setting. It goes without saying that I do do it again and he does not kill me.

Around 8 pm the slosh pots arrive, here comes Louise, Lindsey and Emma (all my favourites) and along with them comes Azmei, that last person I want to see today/tonight, hasn't my day already been bad enough? No wait, scratch that, the second last person I want to see out, turns out Azmei's sister Sarah is coming out later on also. Hey, they don't work for our poxy firm, who on earth invited them! And I know I am acting like a prick but so what, I'm pissed up on Stella which is pretty much a licence to act like an arsehole.

Tonight Randy Pan has dragged out with him some guy from the Goat and Boot called Chris. He is a mate of Ivan's and is wearing a red England shirt and looks ready to go off at any second. I talk to him for a bit but I'm slurring all over the show and generally acting like a prick. He tells me how "Stella knocks my head off" while I'm doing my impression of Alexei Sayle.

There is a major issue tonight with regards to spends. Generally when the girls come out it is their privilege that they don't buy drinks. What? This is where the unflattering term "scrounging skanks" comes from my little black heart. We have an initial whip round of ten pounds notes and as soon as a round has been bought for the drinks, a second whip round is being ask for from the men. I go off on one, refusing to put in if the girls don't. Generally, I act like a complete proper bastard, going off at the girls over this issue. I find myself ranting "what's the point in buying them drinks all night, its not as if we're going to get to fuck any of them." Ouch. And when they suggest moving onto Edwards, off I go saying "typical there you go, we buy them drinks and then they fuck off elsewhere" which prompts defensive words from Lindsey. I begin downing bottles of booze in one and we soon move on but not before I get some shouts off on/with Lindsey as I point out the ridiculousness of our group trying to get into Edwards when Ivan/Andy's friend Chris is wearing a fucking red England replica shirt. And as per expected/me, the bouncers at Edwards will not let him but then I see something I haven't seen in a long long time, Lindsey sweet talks the bouncer! Randy Pan slips off his suit jacket and Chris puts it on over his England shirt and this is satisfactory. Oh my. So, where do we go now?

All chance of semblance of normality for the evening goes to the wall as Azmei's fucking sister Sarah turns up which is pretty much a red rag to a bull as far as I am concerned. My mentality, right or wrong, is "how fucking dare she show her face at one of my work socials?" Ha ha, I'm a ranter. And the skank suddenly/immediately makes a b-line for Randy Pan. Good, he can fucking have her. Somehow I find myself in a little group with Ivan and Chris and it's a bit spikey to say the least. Someone, somewhere gets me a pint of Stella and I get egged on by someone (Drew I think) to down it in one and I fucking do it, I am such a lout sometimes. As soon as it goes down I (apparently) begin mouthing at Ivan "Stellah!!! Buy me another one." Around this point Chris says something to Ivan which cracks him up 100%. I want in on the joke but Chris is staying tight-lipped. Ivan tells Chris its ok to tell me and he goes "its like the fucking Kumars around here tonight." And off I go, running with the ball saying "Kumar this" and "Kumar that." And I suspect I may even have said the P word a number of times also. Like a twat, I keep finding myself bucked to one side by people and keep winding up in the face of Sarah and Randy Pan and the only thing I can muster to say to her face all evening is "bog off" and laugh (it being the MSN insult she threw at me the other week). Whatever, I may be pissed but she is worthless.

I go to the bar and buy myself drinks, no whip action for me now it seems. I order a Stella and a blue WKD and down the WKD at the bar in one, maybe at this point the bouncers should really be steering me out the establishment in a friendly manner. Surprisingly/shockingly though, it all goes down well not least the Stella. I do however need to make a pee break and when I return to our area in Edwards everyone has gone! Oh fucko, I think I have been ditched and rightfully so. I stagger out onto the streets of Colchester and through luck beyond luck I see Louise outside Hub who beckons me in but not before telling me to go home. Inside Hub I get reunited with old faces, friends reunited all the way. By now the night appears to be flagging but maybe the appearance is equally down to my lack of ability to see straight as it is people not having a good time. By now the males appear to be outnumbering the females, have the girls already moved on? Did they exhaust our beverage funds and run to the hills? No time to consider this too much, the night has reached a pinnacle for me and now I require the bathroom. As I head for toilet I basically fall into some poor poser punter. I am eternally lucky that he is cool with/to me because so many could get so ratty over a thing like that. Or maybe I was focused enough to fly by him in seconds. With the world spinning at a much faster rate/rape than generally I plod down inside the Hub commode and attempt to reassemble my mind. I dial up on my mobile and attempt to speak to Mark. He is not answering/home so I just leave a message on his voicemail. I next attempt Tom and dice, I get through. Apparently I tell him just what a bad time I am having and how I don't like any of my workmates. And then he passes me onto Chris and Sofie without me even noticing any change in voice patterns. Sounds about right but in the aftermath I remember saying none of this. As impatient people are heard outside the Hub toilet (which by the way is clean beyond clean, health and safety should come here and give them one hundred gold stars) I get out and let them in. I return to the bar area where we now appear to be the bare bones of our unit. Chris who appeared to be hitting on Lindsey now stands alone, depressed looking while the bosses are alternating between hitting on old nags and sweet talking Janine and her friend. Myself, I find myself nowhere nearer to being any clearer headed and soon sprinting back to the toilet for some refuge. Once more I get the WC and as I stand over it pissing a sudden charge of puke comes flying out Linda Blair stylee, letting rip with thunder chunks. I slump, this is where it has come to and always does whenever my workmates poison me with alcohol. That said, I am always considerate enough to get toilet paper and wipe up my mess after me. Would Bukowski have done that?

When I return to my group after leaving the toilet WC before passing out I stand by the bar, it propping me up and I almost falling asleep on it. The music is funky and so am I. I remember at this point Janine coming over to me but really really I did not want to speak to anyone at this point, not least her because she fucking annoys me. I have no idea what happened at this point but a few days later (Tuesday) I get given a rough idea. Not long afterwards, the night and us all are put out of our misery. By now most people appear to have moved on and we are down to the remaining hardcore. Who knows where everyone else goes but I wind up with Jack and Randy Pan. Jack keeps checking that I am all right to get home but I appear to still want to hang and get some food. For this, Randy Pan is generally really good and we (no Jack) go to Burger King, so it being still open must mean the midnight hour had yet to hit. Randy Pan got served much quicker than me, so when I sit down with my chicken burger he was almost done and asking me for my chips. Again, apparently, at this point I call him, my boss, "a cunt" and to "fuck off." Whoops, seems I really want my chips. We leave the establishment however on good terms, shaking hands and grunting "wahey!" Wrongly I begin texting Phoebe and the next morning I discover a text from 00.02 saying "Go kfc and get a mini fillet! Haha..."

I stagger home and it's obvious that my homing device is as spot on as ever as I do not remember any of the walk other than taking a piss on the Drury Road corner and failing to walk straight across that green. Once home I pass out clothed and know nothing of it all.

np: Sebadoh - On Fire