Saturday, June 12, 2004

June 11 (Friday): Azmei’s last day, not a day to celebrate. To be honest I have been dreading this day coming for a month. First things first though, I have to get up. Miraculously I wake up on time. And without a headache/hangover! I am however fully clothes and freezing from the window being open all night. Didn’t I used to have a duvet on my bed? I look up and my light has been left on all night and so has my tv and DVD player. I see my PC and I was fucking about with it on the internet last night, hope I didn’t do too many bads. I didn’t however switch Soulseek off for some stupid reason and it appears that when I got in last night I was playing Johnny Thunders “You Can’t Put Your Arms Around A Memory� on Media Player. Other than that though……tip top! I have some breakfast cereal (seems I bought milk on my 2.30 am trip to Asda). This immediately plays havoc with my insides so I again take my throne and just as I do the window blows and my front door flies open, I think someone is busting in! Seems I left my front door open/unlocked all night also. I hold my head in shame as shame exits the other end also. I am a bit dizzy, there probably still a bit drunk. Whoops.

Azmei picks me up as per usual and we head into work. Unfortunately Lindsey strolls in with us also, so it’s a quiet one but then again I am hung-over anyway. I get into work and Ivan appears to be dying (well, very hung-over at least). Funny, I feel tip top. That is until Cris grabs and gets me to do yet MORE work on Pipeline. Ruins my day and makes me very busy. Slowly throughout the day memories of last night flood back, assisted by Ivan who has little interest in working today because of his hangover. We talk at length in Chernobyl and I proud tell him too much about recent events in JGRAM WORLD, I am way too open. I am also stressing it because I believe I may have sent a dubious text message to her following a really great text message (“we should go out, a beautiful girl, an awesome man……�). Texts start flying in though. Fucking Sara, Chris and Sarah, all asking stupid questions and each time me thinking it is a text from Phoebe. I am curt to all and very rude (a bit).

At lunchtime we head to the Hogshead for lunch. A lot of us go and we’re eating and the state of my insides, I am dying for some cooked metal product. Still I am waiting for a text message and still the usual suspects keep texting me what I do not want to her. Especially when Sarah sends me a text I had sent her about “putting out� asking me what I mean (“oh yeah, I forgotten I’d sent that one�). All lunch I am annoying and a bit of a wanker, too much nervous energy and probably too much alcohol left in my blood stream. We have a slightly long lunch and eventually trudge back around 2.30. Azmei leaves soon after we get back. I don’t feel like going over to the main office (from Chernobyl) to say “goodbye� but obviously I was hoping she’d come over so we could say a proper goodbye. Didn’t happen though, Louise (my replacement) took her away. My replacement in more ways than one I guess.

It puts a dampener on the rest of the afternoon to say the least, the blues hit and I get FAD (Friday Afternoon Depression). Ivan comes over for more chats and Drew comes over also, suggesting another firm piss up already (for Friday 2 July). Spirits rise at 5 to 5 when Phoebe replies to my text earlier in the day apologising for any potential faux pas. Why was I worried? As I prepare to go home I decide to call Azmei. I thought she might be coming back as she left her framed photo of Nadia, her pride and joy, behind at the office. I phone Azmei but get her answer phone. I leave some kind of message but I am too cold to get emotional, too cold to show any feeling/meaning. I leave a short message and feel like crying. A few seconds later the phone rings and its Azmei going “it’s me�. She tells me “bye and thank you� and other stuff which doesn’t really register and this is why I think I have alexithymia sometimes (and not the chaos creating version). I trudge home slumped. I see Frances as I walk up Butt Road and I must just look totally pathetic if you don’t know the story.

I arrive home and the flat has that post-exams quiet to it, career related exams are infinitely more stressful than straight educational exams, the rewards are more tangible and failure more costly. So, with that in mind, when those are over you find yourself at a resounding loss for things to do and things are suddenly deathly quiet. Bonus though, George has finally posted the final three episodes of series 5 of the Sopranos to me. I have cereal for dinner and I settle down to watch them. Once more I am shocked by what happens in the programme. The evening pans out beautifully but once more I am stuck in like an open-prison prisoner. Big Brother is tonight’s main source of yuks but then I go and fall asleep before 10pm hits and I miss the double eviction into the BB bed-sit. I look at my phone and there is a text message from Azmei saying “I hope you are ok and not missing me too much�. Kick a Jason while he’s down.

np: 4Hero – Star Chasers


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