Sunday, August 08, 2004

July 16 (Friday): Day 50 in the Big Brother house. Another day in Chernobyl.

Today is the last day on the countdown until we get our new girl in the office Chernobyl. It seems to me that Sunny and Steve are really dreading her but I don't care, a big part of me is actually really looking forward to it. Stevo is however giving it the large about getting the office tidy and ship shape for her arrival. This I don't necessarily care too much for.

In the afternoon Sarah from Hays London phones to confirm I do not get a second interview at Slaven Jeffcote but I have another interview, set for either next Tuesday or Thursday. I choose Thursday and am given the option of either a 10.00 am or 4.00 pm interview. I choose the 10.00 am option. Excited.

This weekend Chris is back in Colchester and he has dragged Sofie (his new girlfriend from Denmark) along with him. We all arrange to meet up tonight in town, I speak to Chris around 6.30.

Before however I play football with some of the oldsters who play on Wednesdays. Dick is the main organiser and the one who asks me and Stevo to play, to fill in. Jimmy also plays. It's a weird game, a few players give it there all but on the whole it's a stroll and the players have fun and piss about. Its not THAT laid back though, I still manage to take a shot in the face. The players are kind of odd, there is one that looks like Maradona, one that looks way too young (and cool) to be playing, one with a big beard looking a bit like Millwall's old striker Dave Mitchell and then there is a hyperactive Scotsman with a Hitler moustache. Tonight I don't do myself many favours allow my efforts do get commended. At halftime the score is 6-2 to the opposition. In the second half I find myself keeping goal in my lucky end (it has netting and as a result does not rebound as much as the other end). At one point however I find myself hearing some high pitched sound in the distance? My mind wanders and I begin to recognise the tune, it is the A-Team. I look around and wonder "where the fuck is that sound coming from?" and the other team go and shoot a goal straight past me, no effort required. I look down and realise it is a cellphone in one of the oldster's bags. How immature. The game ends with our team losing 13-6 but who's keeping count other than me? Probably everyone.

I get in my car to find three missed calls, all from Ben. I call him and sort it out, once I've had a bath I pick him up and drive us into town. We all meet up outside the Hogshead where the others drink until barstaff order us back inside with our pints. I get some money out of the cash machine first and rejoin. Tonight the footballers are operating a whip system and it's a tenner to get in. I hadn't really intended on getting mashed but put in, basically as a gesture. I get asked to put in for Ben as well though, not so obliging there. We (me and Stevo) introduce Ben to Jimmy as our cricket ringer mate and Ben, lairy, tells him how he is mad up for it and that he will be bowling at their heads. Jimmy does not seem into this, he actually seems to have the arseholes with me a bit for some reason.

Eventually I Chris and Sofie turn up and according to Stevo its drinks all round as the whip is entered into again including drinks for those who have not chipped in this. This feels like a real social faux pas and Jimmy is frowning but its Stevo who is trying to accommodate my friends. Whoops. Ben clocks this also and tells Jimmy "it's all right, I don't want a drink" but Jimmy gets him one anyway. I see Staff on the other side of the bar and he gestures that they are sat outside. I give him the thumbs up but fail to move in his direction. To be honest I fancy knocking about with the oldsters tonight but Chris, Ben and Sofie make moves to sit outside. I remain with the footballers for a while until Ben phones me bored to see where I am and where I have got to. I take this as my cue to join up with my friends and drop the footballers. I sit on a bench with Ben and chat while everyone else appears already paired up socially for the evening. I'm not drinking heavily tonight and it is all hard work. When it comes around to being my round again I find myself still nursing an almost full pint. It is a really good turn out tonight and things get even better when Allen turns up. When Chris goes off to the bar I see Sofie sat on her own awkwardly to I chat to her and she is so cool, cooler than I was expecting (sorry). I accidentally kick Joe Searls in the arse and he comments just how clean my shoes, nice one. I check my phone and Ahmed has been voted out of the Big Brother house, no surprise but a real drag all the same. Ben is really on form tonight, his Ahmed impression(s) is/are blue chip.

Everyone is going to the Arts Centre tonight but I feel fucked (knackered) but Ben keeps hitting me for re-assurance "you're going to the Arts Centre tonight aren't you?". His enthusiasm stems from the fact that Nina is DJ-ing. Not long before closing time Stevo re-emerges fucking pissed out of mind. It turns out that he carried on with the oldster footballers and wound up in Smiths where they talked about the BNP, pissed talk to the point they say "but it's what people are thinking". Nice. Stevo and Ben are football bores and talk the hind legs off this donkey about non-league. The night caps when I find the three of our pissing in a row at the Hogshead toilet, me in the middle, and those two are talking about the legendary Scott Barrett Colchester goal at Wycombe. Hey, hey, HEY! When did public toilet etiquette drop to the point where people have started to talk to each other again?

We all head to the Arts Centre and get in a breeze. I wind up paying for Stevo, who is pissed and penniless. As we walk in there is a girl stood outside counting rhinoceros in an attempt to sober herself up or at least to display her sobriety to security on the door. I ask her what the fuck she is doing and suggest that she begins to count a less challenging animal. Inside the Arts Centre is kinda slow/quiet. I was told tonight was a punk night but its pretty metally, especially funk metal for the first set. I talk some more to Allen and it turns out it is not less than a month before he leaves Colchester and returns to Canada. That puts a downer on the night. Stevo joins in on the conversation, wrecked and incoherent, making no sense whatsoever. Allen looks to me to interpret but I have no idea myself.

The night plods on and I'm really not drinking. This appears to really piss Ben who stuffs/rams two quid in my hand and orders me to get a beer. Stevo has run out of money and is trying to tap me up for some. I tell him I have none and he disappears out of the venue to find the nearest cash machine ("they won't let him back in"). We all knock about, myself, Ben, Chris and Sofie. Sofie turns out to be really funny because she is really Danish. I tell her about my adventures at Legoland and how my favourite footballer back in the day (1986) was Jan Molby. Amazingly Stevo returns, money in hand/pocket with the expected story about how he almost got into a fight at the cash machine when he was accused of being Australian/New Zealand/South African (one of them, delete as applicable). This shit on ever seems to happen to Stevo. Nina is floating about and it is fun to see her. Ben gets in a request for At The Drive-In and One Armed Scissor (good choice!). Lucy is not about, which is a relief to Sofie who mentioned that she was concerned about seeing her (yeah, I would be). I plough on with the night and drink very slowly while all around me (Ben and Stevo) get wrecked beyond belief/existence. Sofie keeps banging my can and saying "cheers" in Danish, telling me it is Danish custom to swig afterwards each time. Tonight is REALY hard work. Nina does her set and it is the best of the night. One Armed Scissor comes on and we all go bolo, it sounds so fine. And then Nina plays Shady Lane by Pavement and it is nirvana. Around this point I spot Jeremy, Iran's mate who we play football with Wednesdays. I go over and say hello and he is fucking mullered beyond belief. I tell him it is the most drunk I have ever seen him and his slaps me in the face! It doesn't hurt my face but it does hurt my feelings (ha ha). For revenge I keep sending the now rather annoying drunk Stevo over to keep pestering him ("Steve, Jeremy just said he wants a word with you, go over"). Job done, I rendezvous with Allen and he is hanging out with a guy called Zach who is giving me evils, basically going to Allen “who the fucks this cunt?�. It turns out he’s from Extreme Noise Terror. Cool! I don’t make conversation though and soon after I join them, they moves to go home. People soon begin to drop like flies when Chris orders a taxi and he and Sofie shoot off leaving just myself, Ben and Stevo representing the side. Nina comes over for a chat and Ben shows her some of that abusive brotherly love those two are pretty much infamous for. Pretty much, it is the Ben and Stevo show now and Nina steps over to me and goes “can I talk to you instead�. I remain coherent, an utter hero (ho ho). The talking in toilets motif continues as when I piss towards the end of the night and Alive by Pearl Jam comes on, some random guy goes to me “without doubt this is an absolute classic�. Hey buddy, I’m trying to do my business.

We stagger out onto the streets of Colchester and soon realise/wonder “shouldn’t we have been trying to eye up and pull birds?�. My god, girls were nowhere on our agenda tonight. Is it that we have now been burned so much we no longer bother, our esteems have shrunken THAT low? Or is it we is turning batty? No time to think though, gotta get kebabs. Stevo wants a pizza but there's not enough meat on one of them for my desires tonight. I do the full on donner thing, Ben avoids meet and Stevo goes and gets his pizza from Sam’s. We resume at around Sam's and Ben is just acting up so badly. Every other sentence from him now is an impression of Ahmed (“Salem Big Brother�, “ai hait heem�, Ciao Big Brother�). This is the stuff of legend. The other new thing is drunken bonding by just screaming out Bo Selecta Michael Jacksons, it seems you will always find a friend to hurl one back. The inevitable occurs when Ben drops his chips on the pavement. I get to view full on the heartbreak on his drunken face/expression as the slow realisation of his actions dawns on his slurring mind. It is so sweet and serene. However he is not done. When waiting for Stevo and his pizza begins to test our natures and patience Ben leans against some crappy brown car and it budges slightly: “that just fucking moved, the hand brakes up�. Like the responsible adult that I now am, in between wetting myself with laughter, I now find myself egging him on the move/push/roll the car down Crouch Street as far as possible, maybe “into that taxi over there�. Luckily for all well beings involved, the car hit a curb and refused to be budged any further. It was always going to end in tears anyways.

Finally Stevo gets his pizza and like a complete ponce tart, I am straight in there. It is so tasty, Chinese chicken or something covered in fucking sweet corn but with the greatest tasting sauce all over natty chicken. We walk home with the two batty football hooligans talking all the way about Col U and Wimbledon whilst I do sneaky lifts of slices of pizza that really are not mine, Stevo actually appears to completely forget about the pizza altogether. Nice. At point I do drop it on the floor but it remains in the box and remains safe. This is primo cuisine. Eventually we reach Hollytree Court and part ways, Stevo is crashing on my sofa with view to stinking up my great indoors unfortunately.

We get in and he calms down. Usually he wants to watch porn (his porn!) on my TV but remember though, last time he came around the TV stopped working (he broke it) so all things are forgiven as we just get down to getting to bed with the time heading quickly towards 4AM. Harsh.

np: At The Drive-In - Rolodex Propaganda


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